Trials

Starsong

with much, much help from Jadestar Flashblade and Rebecca Flashblade

Milantha Lightwing cursed as she limped back to her room. Not out loud, of course. She hadn't ever cursed much to begin with, and swearing in Iliana's hearing was a sure way to get smacked. For someone who spent as much time in the Loremaster's company as she did, it was best just not to do it at all.

Mentally, however, she was quickly exhausting her limited vocabulary of profanity.

She flopped on her bed as soon as she got there, and immediately moved the softer of her two pillows under her right foot. She closed her eyes after a moment, but a knock on her door brought them open again. "Lanny?"

"It's open." She rolled over onto her back and set up, reaching down to fix the pillow. "Hi Sparky." He came in with a grin and sat on the bed next to her.

"Hi," he said brightly. "I can only stay a few minutes, I'm supposed to be running an errand. I just wanted to stop by and make sure you're feeling okay."

Milantha got a tolerant--barely--look. "Who's sick now?" Estelle and Shockwave had both made a practice out of coming to check on her whenever anyone in the Lair was ill. She was always one of the first to get sick, and one of the last to get better--side effects of the snakebite and the medicine they'd used to treat it. The ache in her calf was another, paining her occasionally when the weather was particularly bad, or on days--like today--when she'd put to much stress on it.

"Jordan. Nothing serious, but I just thought I'd check..." He noticed the pillow. "Everything okay?" She nodded.

"Nothing major, just a longer practice session than usual." Shockwave frowned. Milantha had to force herself not to roll her eyes. She put up with his and Estelle's fussing because she knew they cared about her, but it had always grated on her nerves. "The Trials are coming up, is all, and I want to pass up this time so I've been working a little harder than usual. I'm fine, Sparky." She hit him with her most charming look, and he smiled.

"Okay, okay, I believe you. But be careful, 'kay Lanny?" He kissed her forehead. "I gotta go. Promise me you'll see Tarrin if you start feeling bad?" Milantha did roll her eyes this time, but she promised.

Milantha focused completely on the movements of her opponent. She was breathing hard and her feathers were glossy with sweat, but she had no intention of resting or quitting. The duck facing her struck. She blocked, and launched a counter, not really expecting to connect but throwing her all into it anyway. To her surprise, her foot did impact something soft, but almost immediately afterwards her other foot left the ground. She landed full out on her side, jarring one shoulder rather badly, and saw stars for a moment.

When her vision cleared, she saw a pair of black boots, and she rolled onto her back to look in her mentor's face. "Again?"

Iliana shook her head with a smile, a hand on her stomach where Milantha had kicked her. "I think we've both had enough for today. You did well."

She reached down to help her student up, and Milantha stood, quickly shifting her weight to her left leg as pain erupted in her right--again. She silently cursed but didn't let her discomfort show. "Thank you." She smiled a little at Iliana's approval, tired and hurting though she was. The older woman was dear to her, and her praise was not lightly given.

Iliana patted her shoulder. "Go have something to eat, and get some rest. Don't stay up too late." Milantha nodded, but didn't follow her teacher out. If Iliana thought that was odd, she didn't show it.

Milantha's braid had come mostly out. She took it down and redid it, scanning the gym as she did so. "Hey Marion, I could use some extra practice, would you mind sparring with me?"

"Sure," Marion grinned, twirling her hockey stick as she came over.

"Uh, barehanded, please," Milantha raised her empty hands with a slight grin. Her small laser was, as yet, the only weapon she knew how to use, and it wasn't suitable for this kind of practice for obvious reasons. Marion shrugged and set the stick aside, along with her ducksaber, and joined Milantha on the mat, taking up a ready stance.

"Getting ready for the trials?" Marion lunged. Milantha blocked and struck back, biting the inside of her cheek as she pivoted on her bad leg. She blocked the pain out of her mind, though, and concentrated on what she was doing. Marion stopped her attack and forced her back.

"Yeah," Milantha circled, sizing up the older girl's defenses. "I'd really like to pass this time. I don't care how much work it takes. Iliana said--" she broke off long enough to launch a punch, which didn't connect, and duck the counterattack, "--that I could do it, but I think I'm going to need a lot of practice."

"The knowledge part was hard for me," Marion told her as they continued. "They need to add a math section to that thing."

Milantha laughed a little breathlessly. "I'm not worried about that, but I feel behind on th--" She cut off abruptly as she landed on her back, seeing stars for a moment. Marion's face appeared over them, looking down at her.

"You okay?" she asked with concern.

"I'm fine," Milantha grunted, rolling over and pushing herself off the ground. "Show me how you did that, please? This is the part of the test I'm really worried about," she gave a lopsided smile. "Too much time in the Archives, and not enough training."

"Well, you've got double duty," Marion shrugged. Milantha bit back a sharp retort. She was tired of people making excuses for her. She gave a noncommital response and concentrated on the tecnique Marion was showing her.

She was exhausted by the time they were finished, and she dragged herself to the showers and then back to her bunk. She pulled out her lorebooks, and started work what she'd been meant to finish that afternoon.

An hour later, she was asleep, the open books still around her.

Half an hour after that, she was awake again, breathing hard and trying to block out the memories. Not the nightmares...I really don't need those right now. She shook her head, and pulled a book towards her. Better to work all night than wake up every ten minutes in terror. She wanted to be at the gym in the morning, anyway, so maybe she could get ahead on the stuff she was supposed to finish the next day. Yes, that'd give her more time to train where she really needed it.

"What?" Milantha stared. "Why not? I need to!"

"You don't look well, child," Iliana told her calmly. "I think it would be best if we didn't practice today."

"But--"

"No." Iliana's look was very familiar; Milantha recognized it and knew she wouldn't win an arguement. She sighed. "Use the time to rest," Iliana told her, nudging her gently toward the door. "You look as if you need it."

Milantha went back to her room.

She had no intention of staying htere, however. She changed into the shorts and tank top she practiced in, braided her hair, and went down to the gym to work on her own.

Estelle knocked on the door as she came in and instantly frowned. Milantha was stretched out on her bed with books scattered around her. Her face had a grim set to it. "Are you all right?"

Milantha glanced up for a moment before her gaze fell back to the papers. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Because. Trials are coming. And you're working yourself sick. Want to talk to me about something?"

"About what?"

Estelle looked worried and sat down next to her, being careful not to disturb the papers and books. "Lantha, are you hearing a word I'm saying?"

"What do you want me to tell you, Stelle? That I'm desperate to pass up this time and not sure I can?" Milantha shoved one book away and flips through another. Estelle stroked Milantha's hair gently and was silent for a moment, unsure what to say.

Milantha sighed in frustration and closed the book. She knew them all like the back of her hand, anyway, that wasn't the part of the Trials she was worried about. "I knew I was going to have to work harder than everyone else. I can handle it."

"Can you?" Estelle asked softly.

Milantha shifted slightly on the bed, not having the patience for what she considered to be a stupid question. "I can handle anything."

Estelle paled, but Milantha wasn't paying attention to her, focused on what she was doing. Oh, duCaine, Stelle thought, getting a sinking feeling about the whole situation. "Alone?"

Milantha answer was measured. "When I have to."

Estelle looked sick. She felt sick. "Lantha..."

Milantha gave her a sharp look. "What?"

"I trust you not to work yourself too hard and to watch your limit." Her grip on Milantha's shoulder tightened. "Don't betray that trust."

Milantha's look darkened. Here it comes again, the whole 'be careful you know you're delicate' speech. Well not this time. "I'll do what it takes, Stelle."

Estelle pulled her hand back. "*Why*?" Milantha stared at her, not comprehending the question. "Why are you so desperate?" Estelle elaborated. Milantha floundered for an answer and, when she failed to find one, got an annoyed look. Estelle had expected that. She caught and held Milantha's gaze. "Why is this so important to you?"

Milantha looked away. "I've never failed at anything I've tried to do," she said harshly, aware that she wasn't really answering the question.

"Who says you're failing? You're doing twice as much as anyone else and you're doing well with it! And *why* is this is so important to you? Why are you working yourself to death over it?"

Milantha was starting to get aggitated, and it showed in her face. "The why's aren't really important. I am *going* to do this!"

Her denials worried Estelle more by the minute. "The why's ARE important! And here's another one for the list: why are you avoiding talking about it? What are you afraid to tell me? What are you afraid to admit?"

Milantha eyes lit angrily. "I'm not afraid of anything or anyone!"

Estelle got up and backed away cautiously. "Lantha, calm down."

Milantha slammed the books aside, unable to contain her frustration any longer. "I will *not* calm down! I'm sick of being coddled, and I'm sick of being patronised!" Estelle had backed up, unsure of what exactly was going on, but she felt her own temper rising and knew that whatever it was, it wasn't good. She held her anger in check with considerable effort as Milantha continued her passionate tirade. "I WILL NOT BE HELD BACK--" She stopped, managing to cover very well he fact that she'd had more to say. Estelle wasn't fooled, but, miraculously, she jumped to the wrong conclusion.

"Because you're a girl?" Milantha looked away, perfectly willing to let her believe that it didn't go any deeper than that. Estelle didn't quite dare move close again. "Lantha, why don't you want to talk to me?"

"What do you want me to say, Stelle?" The anger had left her, deflating into a tone of tired aggravation.

Estelle's anger was still very much present. "I want you to tell me what's HAPPENING to you! I want you to admit that there's something bothering you! I want you to stop lying to yourself and me! And if you don't want to talk to me and don't want to tell me the truth then I'm leaving, and I'll come back when you're in a more reasonable frame of mind!"

Milantha's returned in force. "You want to know what's happening to me, Stelle? I'm being sheltered and I'm being protected and I hate it, I hate every minute of it, and I am GOING to prove once and for all that I am NOT AN INVALID!"

Estelle looked stunned. "Who has treated you like an invalid? I haven't! Iliana hasn't! Sparky hasn't! You think we're sheltering you just because we're trying to keep you from hurting yourself? That's HELPING you! Not SHELTERING!"

A familiar and very stubborn look crossed Milantha's face as she leveled her gaze at Estelle. "No? When I practically get quaranteened everytime someone's got a cold? I can't show my face in the gym without having one of you ask if I'm overdoing it!!"

Estelle felt her temper rising to danger levels and knew that she won't be able to hold it in much longer. "This may have escaped your notice, but we CARE about you." She started to say something but cut off, finding unexcepted tears choking her up. She swallowed hard and walked out.

Milantha felt guilt descend on her, but shoved it away, burned it with her own anger and determination until it was down to a manageable level. She relegated it to the back of her mind and picked up the book, knowing she couldn't go back to the gym until the feeling had come back to her leg.

It was over.

She'd failed.

Failed. Failed. Failed. Failed.

Failure.

Milantha curled on her bed, exausted, aching, and thoroughly miserable. All of the work for nothing. She'd failed.

Isn't this thing ever going to go away? She tightened her grip on her pillow, digging her nails into the cloth. It just keeps haunting me!! Her ankle burned with the memory, and she took a ragged breath. She felt like she'd been fighting that damn snake all her life, in spite of her efforts to convince herself she'd overcome it, time after time the words proved a lie.

The point had been painfully proven after the mishap with the malfunctioning heating engine. She'd thought she was over the fear. She was wrong. She knew it now. Sure, she could put the dreams aside, but she still had them. Oh, and she would have them, they always came on her when she was exhausted, vulnerable. That knowledge still set a chunk of ice in her stomach, even now. And here was one more in a long line of disappointments. She'd always be weaker than everyone else, and people would always be putting their lives in danger for her as a result.

A touch on her shoulder sent her into a roll that brought her up into a crouch on her bed, hands up.

Iliana drew her hand back and set it in her lap, looking calmly back at her apprentice. Milantha flushed, embarassed both at her frantic reaction and at the knowledge that she'd failed.

Failed. That word again.

She eased back down to her knees. "I'm sorry."

"It was a good reaction, though you should never be caught unawares. Most enemies would not be so kind as to tap your shoulder and announce their presence." She quirked a silver eyebrow.

Milantha hadn't been talking about that, and they both knew it. She slumped down, staring at her covers. Her hair flopped in her face. She didn't even bother to brush it back, perfectly willing to let her face stay hidden.

Iliana stroked it back for her, with a gentleness that might have surprised someone else. The older woman was kind and gentle, a nature that seemed to clash with the unyielding justice she enforced. Those closest to her--and there honestly weren't many, though Milantha had never really understood why--knew that she did what she felt she must, out of duty and love for those the Laws protected.

"I failed," Milantha whispered finally, unable to bear the silence any longer.

"Why?"

Milantha looked up, not understanding. Iliana met her gaze. "Do you know why you failed?" she repeated.

"I...I just wasn't good enough, I couldn't do it..."

Iliana shook her head slowly. "Do you remember what I told you when you asked me if I thought you could pass the Trials this month?"

Milantha couldn't look at her, and the answer was barely audible. "That I could do it if I worked hard enough."

A slight sigh of frustration escaped the most patient woman in the Brotherhood. "Child, from now on, when I speak to you, do not stop listening half way through the sentence." Milantha looked up at her, confused. "I told you," Iliana set a hand on her head, "That you could probably succeed if you worked hard and stayed healthy." Iliana's eyes were hard as she fixed a stern look on her student. "There are consequences, costs, that go along with every decision you make. Your failure was in neglecting to weigh those costs properly. They were too high this time. You were exhausted, and pained, and because of that you weren't able to properly apply the skill you've acquired."

Despair washed over the young blond. "How can I ever be as good as I need to be if I can't handle the strain?"

"You can handle it," Iliana told her with quiet certainty. "But the strain you have put yourself under these past weeks have been far to much for anyone to endure in so short a time. You ignored the advice of those who knew better because you let your own perception of your infirmity cloud your judgement. First, you should not be concerned about what everyone else is doing. Push your own limits, not theirs. And second, you must learn when to stop. Pushing your limits is one thing, it is necessary to improve. Going about it as if you were some kind of machine with no need of rest or food is foolish and dangerous." She caught Milantha's eyes. "And costly, I think you've found."

Milantha flushed and looked away, her words to Estelle coming vividly back. Iliana reached out to stroke her hair. "I expect you to make mistakes, child. And I have warned you that it will take you longer than the others to ascend the ranks. Do not measure yourself by their standards. I tell you now that you have done well, and you are improving steadily. I find no fault in your physical training or your learning, you are progressing well in both, and faster than I had originally expected. But you have many life lessons to learn. This was merely one of them."

Milantha couldn't speak. She hugged her teacher tightly, and Iliana returned the embrace. "Learn from this mistake, and correct what you can. There will be other Trials."

But only one Estelle. The girl nodded, knowing what she had to do.

Milantha scanned the Mess Hall. Yes, Estelle was there, alone at a table for two. She took a deep breath and came rather nervously up, acutely aware that everything she'd put herself through lately had her looking ragged and worn at best. "Is this seat taken?"

Estelle glanced up and quickly masked her surprise. She didn't look much better than Milantha, and the younger woman had a pretty good idea why. Her friend was stubbornly self-critical and she'd no doubt blamed herself for the whole--incident. Milantha couldn't bring herself to think of it as a fight. "No. Have a seat."

Milantha sat and stared at her plate, quietly picking at her food for a moment. Suddenly she found her mouth was dry, and she wondered if she could speak at all. This is gonna be harder than I expected, she thought forlornly. How can I possibly make it up to her after the way I acted?

Estelle wondered why she was there. She'd been under the impression that Milantha didn't want to talk to her or even see her. The Hall must be crowded, I guess...She, too, fixed her eyes on her plate.

"Hi!" The two looked up just in time to see Shockwave bump into a table on the way in.

Estelle loaded up her tray, and stood to leave. "Hi Spark. Have a seat." You're the one she's really interested in talking too, anyway.

Shockwave obeyed. Milantha watched Estelle go, wondering gloomily if she had messed things up so badly that Estelle didn't even want to talk to her. The older woman abruptly discovered there were no tables left, and with a sigh she snatched an empty chair and balanced her tray in her lap to eat.

Milantha's attention returned to her plate. "Uhhh..." She looked up to find Shockwave looking from one to the other. She dropped her gaze again, not willing to offer an explanation. He shrugged and started eating.

Milantha went back to poking at her food, completely uninterested in actually consuming any of it. Shockwave kicked her under the table gently and gave her a questioning look. Or tried, at least. Milantha wouldn't look at him. He kicked her more urgently. She shot a glare at him before she could think the better of it, but dropped her eyes again immediately.

Shockwave stared. She never glared at him. "Lanny... Can I talk to you for a minute? Outside?"

Milantha hesitated for a moment, but stood up without a word. He's not going to leave me alone until I tell him. Once outside, Milantha leaned against the wall and folded her arms, looking at the ground. Shockwave watched her. "Lanny...What's the matter?"

Milantha found she didn't want to answer. Unfortunately, she wasn't (by Brotherhood standards) a very good liar, especially not to him. She avoided the question instead. "With what?"

Shockwave wasn't having it. "With anything... Everything!"

Milantha bit her bottom beak, trying to decide what to say. "I'm just tired." And she was. So very, very tired.

He touched her arm. "Lan...Lanny Lanna Lantha...." Milantha felt a sudden need to be close and leaned against him, feeling she might cry just because she was too tired not to. No no no no no...I *won't* do it...

Shockwave hugged her tightly. "Is that all?"

Milantha sighed, hugging him back, and gave up. "I yelled at Estelle the other day...Before the Trials--" Her failure was still a bitter memory, and she had to force the words. "She--tried to tell me I was overdoing it, and I just..."

Shockwave stroked her hair. "Oh..." Milantha hid her face in his shirt and sighed shakily. He waited patiently for her to continue.

"She was just worried about me," she finally muttered.

He rubbed her cheek. "I'm sure she'll understand..."

Milantha wasn't so sure. She felt the guilt return full-force. "I'm sorry I've been so snappy lately."

"Oh...Lanny, it's okay. I don't mind! You can be as snappy as you want, I'll love you anyway!"

That got her attention. She blushed and finally managed to look up at him.

Shockwave suddenly realised what he'd said, and he cleared his throat. "Yeah... anyway..." He paused. "I meant that."

"Really?" For the first time in days, a genuine smile found it's way onto Milantha's beak.

Shockwave nodded, and gave her a fond, lopsided smile. "Yeah, Lanny, I love you."

Milantha smiled back, feeling uncharacteristically shy. "I love you too, Sparky."

He fidgeted a little. "You don't have to say it because I did, you know...it's okay if you don't..."

Milantha shook her head and hugged him as tightly as she could. "I love you." She supressed a surprised squeal as he suddenly picked her up to his level and kissed her.

"Great!" He grinned.

Milantha giggled and put her arms around his neck, kissing him again. "I'm glad you think so."

Shockwave reluctantly put her down. "You'd better go talk to Estelle..." But he didn't let her go, and Milantha wasn't anxious to leave, knowing that when this moment ended, she'd have to face the hurt she'd caused her friend. She leaned against him again. He twisted a little bit of her hair around his finger. "What does it mean?" he wondered aloud. "Where are we going...?"

Milantha smiled. "That sounds like it ought to be a song."

Shockwave looked at her. "Is it?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. But it sounds like it should be."

He grinned. "Well, if anyone can make it a song, you can."

Milantha nudged him playfully. "I'm no poet." That's Estelle's department.

Shockwave made an awful joke. "You're a poet, but you don't know it!"

Milantha agreed. That was an awful joke! Shockwave shrugged, and put on his Duke accent. "Sorry, sweetheart...." She laughed at him.

"You," she cast him a look, "Are very silly, you know that?"

He nodded. "But maybe it takes one to know one...."

Milantha smiled. "Or to love one?"

Shockwave squeezed her hand. "Yeah. C'mon, I'll help you with Estelle...."

Can't put it off forever. Not without losing her. She nodded and took a deep breath. Shockwave gently pushed her back inside.

Milantha hesitated for just a moment and went over to Estelle. Here goes nothing... She smiled a little. "Need a table?"

Estelle looked up in surprise. "I...was actually just leaving...but..."

"Come on, we've got room."

"All right..." She looked doubtful but followed Milantha back to the table.

Shockwave smiled at Estelle. Milantha took another deep breath. One hurdle down. At least she was there. Estelle smiled tentatively back and privately wondered what he said that persauded Milantha to talk to her; how big a bribe was needed. She seated herself and resumed picking at her food.

Milantha was quiet for a minute, working up the nerve to say what she needed to. How do you appologize for something like that, anyway? Shockwave squeezed her hand under the table, and she was grateful for his comfort.

Estelle decided she couldn't stand it any more. She threw her fork down abruptly and stood. "Well, thank you for the seat. I'll see you later, perhaps." She loaded her tray back up, complete with nearly untouched food.

NO!! Milantha stood up quickly. "Wait, Stelle!"

Estelle stopped and tried not to look surprised. "Yes?"

Milantha kept going before she lost her nerve. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you, you were just trying to help me and I feel terrible and I'm so, so sorry!!" She said it nearly all in one breath, and then stood there miserably, mentally begging Estelle not to leave.

Estelle looked taken aback. She sat down again. Hard. Milantha didn't really even expect to be forgiven anymore, she just sat down too and looked at her hands.

Estelle tried to piece this all together. She hadn't really expected an apology. She'd almost given up hope of ever being talked to again, period. "Lantha...I..."

Milantha's voice was barely a whisper. "I had no right to yell at you. I don't even know who I was so mad at, really...I think it was all just in my head, and deep down I knew that and I yelled anyway..." Shockwave watched silently.

Estelle reached across the table and took her hand gently. "I know, I know. It's okay." They both knew it wasn't, but she said it anyway. She knew Milantha would never forgive herself if she didn't. "And I'm sorry for yelling back."

Milantha squeezed her hand, willing to take this for now, and build from there. "I missed having my big sister around, Stelle."

"I missed you too. I...I wish I could have been there for you when you needed me most I..." Estelle looked down and blinked hard. "I thought you didn't want any help so ...I couldn't ask..."

Well, looks like my work is done. Shockwave grinned at her. "My break is over, I'll see you two later...."

Milantha smiled at him and squeezed his hand. "Thanks, Sparky."

"Talk to you later, Spark." Estelle gave him a genuine smile.

Shockwave looked a little shy, and hurriedly left. "Bye...."

"Later," Milantha waved after him, the word more a promise than a farewell. She glanced back at Estelle and looked down, returning to the matter at hand. "I didn't want to admit that I needed help." After a moment's hesitation, she swallowed what was left of her pride and admitted, "Everyone's always tried to help me, whether I needed it or not. My parents, even Uncle Flash sometimes. Like they thought I couldn't do it on my own. I figured, how'm I supposed to know if they won't even let me try? I thought I was over that, but I...I guess not. I'm sorry for taking it out on you."

Estelle looked down and released her hand. "If I ever did that to you, I'm sorry. I wasn't think of you of weak, or an invalid, or young...I was just looking at my sister and wanting to do anything I could for her. But I know you can handle yourself. I've always known that."

Milantha got up on impulse and went around the table to hug Estelle tightly, her voice starting to waver. "You didn't, you never have, and it was wrong of me to treat you like that. I *was* overdoing it, I should have been more careful, and maybe if I'd listened to you I would have--" She had to stop. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Estelle hugged her back tightly and felt her eyes getting wet. "I have missed you so much." It occured to her that both their tough-girl reputations would be shot if they continued their reconcilliation in public. "Let's go to my quarters and talk."

Milantha nodded, and the two still-best friends left the Mess Hall arm in arm.

That's all, peeps! Close this browser window to head back to the Brotherhood's Library!

This story copyright © 1999 by Starsong Lightwing.

More of Starsong's great fics can be found at her site, Mighty Ducks: The Animated Series.

Milantha Lightwing and Iliana are copyright Starsong, Shockwave Featherstone is copyright Rachel Baker '98, Estelle Stormcrow is copyright Rebecca Flashblade, Marion Hopefeather is copyright Marion Hopefeather.  The original Mighty Ducks are copyright Disney and used without permission, all other characters used with permission. (Except Marion, I kinda forgot to ask...heh...)

Most recent revision 4 August1999.